Mr President, Save Our Twinkies

 

I remember my first Twinkie. I don't think it was very fresh (although I understand, with Twinkies, "freshness" is rather a marginal term). My first bite of a Twinkie was my last. I don't think anyone was around to eat the rest, either. I fear it ended up in the garbage.

There's something curious about a Twinkie. You put it in your mouth, you start chewing on it, if you can call that "chewing," ("assimilating," perhaps, is a better term) and you realize, almost immediately, that this Twinkie is not going to satisfy you. You know it's going to take more. You're going to need another Twinkie!

It's like smoking a cigarette or drinking a beer. Beer doesn't actually "quench" your thirst. It provokes it! Beer doesn't make you stop drinking; it encourages you to drink more! You smoke one cigarette, and somehow, the cigarette doesn't satisfy you. Oh, it creates a mood of well being for a moment, but then it's gone, gone, gone! You need another one. You become a slave to the habit, and soon, the habit becomes an addiction.

That's what I thought of when I took my first bite of a Twinkie. I thought to myself, I don't need this! I have enough addictions!

I never had another bite of a Twinkie. I've never even had the desire for another one.

Now, I am not a Twinkie virgin by the strictest definition, but in essence, to press the metaphor a little, you could call me a Twinkie "amateur," just as you might call another person, who has only dabbled in sex, a sexual "amateur." I didn't finish it. It was one bite, that's all. I don't ever want to eat another.

You see this trait in people who have had just a little sex in life; they have no desire because they don't recognize what they're missing. The first experience was clumsy and messy, and they don't want any more of it!

This explains how a perfectly edible Twinkie, concocted and baked by some 18,000 employees, went straight into the garbage. It was discarded like a whore, I'm just a little ashamed to say. And the price paid for it - I don't think I bought it - but that price went to waste. And soon, we may never see a fresh Twinkie again. (I realize, I might have misused "fresh" again here, but I think you see where I'm going.)

And yet, we're talking about much more than an addiction. The simple fact that we're not going to have them around anymore is such a tragedy all by itself. People! People! We will miss our Twinkies!

I say to our President, save our Twinkies!

I think one of the saddest things about Twinkies is that the term has been used to apply to a baseball team, namely, the Minnesota Twins. How clever, but oh, how rude! I'm a fan of the Twins! And I've even started calling them "Twinkies." "Are the Twinkies playing tonight?" my wife will ask. (Really what she's asking for is a foot rub. She lies on the couch and reads while I watch the Twinkies lose another game.)

Calling my beloved baseball team the "Twinkies" is a rude slap in the face, in my judgment, and yet, I find myself doing it just the same. It's like reaching for one more cigarette or another beer. I do it without thinking! I don't mean to slight the baseball team or the Twinkie brand; nor do I intend to slight the fact that 18,000 workers at Hostess will be laid off.

It's rude of me, and rude of us all! We need to do something.

It's time for our Twinkies to rise up and assert themselves. They can't let labor unions push them around anymore.

When GM had trouble, people noticed. When Chrysler had trouble, people noticed. When Toyota had trouble, when the banking industry had trouble, when the housing industry had trouble, people noticed. They realized it was an important thing, and now, the Twinkie is in trouble, and it seems like nobody cares!

It's so sad. There is a very serious side to all this! 18,000 workers might soon lose their good-paying union jobs and benefits. And other products, like Wonder Bread and various other Hostess foods are disappearing from the shelves. I haven't seen a loaf of Wonder Smart Bread for about a year! My wife and I used to look for it and buy it at its inflated price, and eat it, just to grow thinner! Sometimes there were only two loaves of it on the shelf, and we'd snatch them up!

Now we are growing fat again because Smart bread is not available, and we have to buy stupid plain bread! And yet, the signature product, the Twinkie, is the one we all remember.

Jobs are in jeopardy! The debacle at Hostess is not a complicated thing! It would be such a simple matter to keep the company going. We could just do what we've done in the past and will likely do again: Cut employees' pay! Eliminate their benefits! Start by firing 'em all! Dissolve the company temporarily, thereby allowing it to escape legal obligations to the greedy workers! Let the company rename itself. "Host," perhaps, would be an acceptable alternative. (They could name the new product "Twinkles.")

Then, hire 'em all back. If employees want to come back at a tiny fraction of their former wages, fine. If they won't tolerate working for slave wages, then hire somebody who will! We should be reaching out to the poor and destitute, the homeless, the penniless people in the streets, and offering them work! We have enough of them! Some of those people should be able to handle it! I mean, how complicated can it be to make those little balls of dough?

We don't need to give employees benefits either. Just let 'em eat the product! How many Twinkies/Twinkles can one worker eat in a day anyhow? It doesn't matter! It would be a small sacrifice.

So there's your solution. If the former workers don't want to make Twinkies for that kind of money, hire others who will. That's how you save a company.

Perhaps this is a hint of what's going to happen when we go over the fiscal cliff in about a month or two. I personally think saving Hostess would be good practice for what's coming next! Don't you?

It's obvious why nobody's lifting a finger, though, isn't it? We all know perfectly well that the Government could act, but as we are also aware, Hostess, (or "Host," as it soon may come to be known), with its measly 18,000 employees, is much too small to be considered a "small business" to the Redemopublicrats! If you're going to be a small business, worthy of consideration for financial resuscitation in this great country at a time like this, you need to be at least three or four times as big. THAT is what they call "SMALL"!

When the Redemopublicrats say they want to save "small business," they're not talking about small business! Are you kidding? They're talking about BIG small business!

Most American businesses do not quite measure up. Piddly little nickel and dime operations like Hostess rank with handy men working out of their garages! They mean little or nothing to the Redemopublicrats.

But, my God! We're talking about our Twinkies here, folks!

If he only had the political will, the President would fix this all by himself. You know he would. If he wanted to, he would intercede! He'd make them compromise, as he did GM and others.

So join me in raising our voices. Like I say, it's great practice for later! Twinkies, arise! Let's everyone appeal to the President and force him to step up to the plate!

Come on, Mr. President, show us how it's done! Do what you did for GM!

Ronald Reagan once told Gorbachev to tear down that wall. Now, at this pregnant moment, we appeal to you with the same sense of urgency:

MR. PRESIDENT! SAVE OUR TWINKIES!